Wolves

Elder Bruce C. Hafen gave a talk in 1996 where he addressed three wolves that test marriages over and over. The first wolf was natural adversity. No human is immune to adversity and marriage is no different. This can take a real toll on a marriage. Most people go into marriage pretty optimistic and maybe a little naive. My husband and I have been through quite a bit in our married life. Three years ago he was in a car accident which lead to his brain bleeding. Shortly after that we gave birth to our third child. Then about 6 months after that they found a tumor in his brain where he needed surgery to remove it. We currently have an infant, a two year old, an 11 year old with special needs and a teenager. I feel that natural adversity is all around each of us all day every day and we need to find a harmonious balance with life to find joy.

The second wolf is each partners own imperfections. One spouse might be overly critical of the other. One might have a bad temper. No one is perfect. Each person comes to a marriage with their own set of shortcomings. We are told in the scriptures that  Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth.” I believe this is the second week in a row that I have used this scripture in my blog post. I feel that most of the world’s problems can be solved by this one scripture. If you learn a degree of selflessness and learn how to give other people the benefit of the doubt it will make for a better marriage. President Eyring said this “Many years ago, I was first counselor to a district president in the eastern United States. More than once, as we were driving to our little branches, he said to me, “Hal, when you meet someone, treat them as if they were in serious trouble, and you will be right more than half the time.” Not only was he right, but I have learned over the years that he was too low in his estimate.” We need to give this same grace to our spouse. Try to see where they are coming from or realize that they might have had a really bad day at work and they just need to sleep it off.

The third wolf is excessive individualism. Some people need their own space. They want to be left alone. Others want to spend every waking moment together. While some alone time is good for people, there also needs to be a lot of together time to work on growing closer together as a couple.  Eventually work, children and other obligations will get in the way of this, so try to fit it in as much as you can. “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” (Gen 2:24)  When two people get married God intended for them to become “one”. I was recently listening to Dave Ramsey. He gives financial advice on his radio show. (If you haven’t listened to him or heard of him consider looking him up...he has some great insights.) He was talking with a woman who had recently been married. For the past 11 years they lived together but always kept their finances separate. Now that they are married they still planned on keeping everything separate and she wanted to pay off her half of the house faster than her husband. Ramsey has always counseled against married couples keeping their finances separate. He told her that they banks will never look at their loan as his half and her half and that it really isn’t wise for them to think of it that way either. He quoted the bible that the two of them need to become one. Because this couple had cohabitated for so long it was going to be a hard transition for them if they chose to listen to his advise. When you get married it is important to become one in as many things as possible. I am not saying that you always need to love the same foods or even like the same TV shows. I have been married for 20 years and my husband and I don’t always like the same things. But over the years we have learned to compromise when we need to. He still likes to watch all of the superhero TV shows and I still like watching chick flicks, but we have found common ground in many other areas.  

All three of these wolves could shake the very foundation of a marriage. Life is hard. Trials are hard. I feel like the biggest detriment to society is selfishness. This would fall into the category of people having imperfections. Whether we are born with it or have learned it over time, a lot of problems in marriages and problems in society stem from people being selfish. Marriage is a give and take. It takes two people both giving 100% to work. My husband and I have been learning this with the more kids we have. Having a family and running a household is a ton of work. We both have to give it our all or it doesn’t work.