Hopes and Dreams

Everyone has their own set of hopes and dreams. Sometimes these come embedded deep within us from the time we are a small child. It is wonderful when you get married and you have the same hopes and dreams as your spouse. This isn’t always the case though. Usually there will be differences of opinions on all sorts of topics. In Gottman’s book he says “If you’ve reached gridlock on any issue in your marriage, big or small, you need to identify which dream or dreams are fueling the conflict.” My husband and I are very different people. But after reading Gottman’s book I can see why it can help things to marry someone with the same religious values as you and it can help to marry someone with the same cultural background as you. I am sure there are personalities out there that can make anything work but I am saying it just seems easier when you have a lot of the same background. My husband and I were both raised in active church going families that belong to the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. We both lived in small towns that were predominantly our religion. We both have homes where the mother and father are very active in our lives. Even with everything that we had in common, there is so much that we do not have in common and so much that we don’t really agree on.

Sometimes such marital conflicts end up in gridlock. Gridlock is when you have a perpetual disagreement that you just can’t seem to resolve. There are 6 steps to overcome this marital gridlock.

Each disagreement that you encounter is because of some unmet dream. One perpetual disagreement that my husband and I have is that he drinks too much Dr. Pepper. He really likes Dr. Pepper. He says it is his favorite flavor on the planet. I try hard every day to make healthy choices and I think that Dr. Pepper is leading to a lot of my husbands health problems. He doesn’t see it this way at all. Anyway, I want him to be healthy and he doesn’t think this is making him unhealthy. Gridlock.

This is where it is important to find a way to soothe yourself or soothe your partner. Try not to escalate the situation. I am not a pro at this at all. Our compromise in this has been that my husband still drinks it all day long. And I don’t really get to say anything about it. I wish he would at least drink it less often, and he just drinks it when I am not around. I guess that might count as being called a compromise.

This has always been something that we don’t agree on. And this will probably always be something we don’t ever agree on. I have bigger fish to fry though. I need to do better at stating how I feel without getting all worked up and flooded. When I get too mad or emotional he won't listen to me anyway.